Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A great CatASStrophe

I had a cat. A GREAT cat. His name was Henry. The friendliest Siamese you could ever meet. But he had a lot of health problems. Runny eye, rotting teeth, snorty sinuses ... and a leaky bucket. You see, Henry had colon problems. Big time. His stool was so hard he couldn't pass it—so he'd get all backed up and become incredibly sick. After months of taking him to the vet, getting enemas and shots, he needed an operation.... A $1,300 operation!

How could I say no? He was my buddy. He was only 9. And he was wonderful.

The vet warned me though, that if the operation was successful, Henry could end up having a bit of ANAL LEAKAGE. And he was right. There was indeed ANAL LEAKAGE. But there was a bright side!

I know what you're thinking, "how can there be a bright side when we're talking about his dark side?" Well after the vet removed a third of Henry's colon, he was able to go normally again. We'd only have to wipe him AFTER he took a dump and not all day like we thought! YES!

There was one big problem though—other than the obvious: Henry HATED to have his anus wiped! So every time that cat shat in the hat, he'd see me coming with the toilet paper and RUN—under tables, behind chairs, over beds—anywhere he could to avoid my swiping grasp. It got frustrating trying to catch him before he could tie-dye my carpet with his drippage and I often resorted to yelling.

HENRY! LET ME SEE YOUR ASS!!! GODDAMMIT! GET OVER HERE AND SHOW ME THAT DIRTY ASS!!!


How many people happened by our lovely ground-floor condo—located just 10 feet from the curb of a rather busy street—as I shouted out those overly-aggressive, S&M-like commands?

How many of them stood joined together—not even knowing we HAD a cat—and thought:
"What kind of crazy, serial-killer, man-on-man action is going on in there?"

((Click the pic for an even CATchier view))

2 comments:

Frannie said...

That made me laugh out loud. Well done, Jim.

Anonymous said...

I've walked by your home on some of those nights. You didn't have a hairy chest. Henry must be one helluva guy!

Rachel