Kidney Stones Suck

There were several options to remove my stones if they didn't leave on their own volition. I was so hopped up on Oxy though that I couldn't remember which options were real and which weren't. This MAY have been one of them:

The Public Stoning of Jim Hastings

Let me tell you a few things about Kidney Stones.

Number 1: THEY F'ING HURT!
Number 2: They can take a month to actually pass.
Number 3:They'll get you fingered.

In fact, the FIRST time I had stones, I didn't even know it. I woke up one morning and was pissing blood. BLOOD. I was freaked to say the least. There was no pain. No discomfort. But there was blood. So I immediately went to the hospital. This is how that visit went...

Click the pic for a larger view.


Okay, it didn't go EXACTLY like that. The E.R. doc, who looked nothing like Maura Tierney, by the way, approached me very business-like, asked me a few questions and then told me to take down my pants, lie on the table, face the wall and pull my knees to my chest. The sweat immediately came pouring from my pores, and I gurgled out the question, "You ... You're going in?!?"

As he snapped on a pair of sallow-looking rubber gloves and grabbed an industrial-sized jar of Vaseline from the counter, he responded in his thick, stilted, Indian accent, "Yes. I am going in."

And he did.

After an exorbitant amount of time IN MY ASS—testing the incredibly popular knuckle-thickness to anal-cavity ratio first introduced by Einstein's proctologist, Dr. Gordon L. Knucklebaum—he spoke. "Do you feel any discomfort?"

"Other than your digit in my widget?" I said in not so many words, "No."

"Good," he said while removing his finger. SPLOOK. "You can pull your pants back up."

Thankful he didn't go back in for his watch, which I'm sure he left behind, I did as he said, then sat humiliated with a giant glop of cold pertroleum jelly nestled like a newborn in my rectum.

Two weeks later, the pain kicked in....

MOVIE POST #1

I LOVE the movies. I have over 300 DVDs—and I don't just own them for owning's sake like some people who buy DVDS because they're either brand new or were a blockbuster. I love almost every one of my DVDs. I've seen most of them about 3 to 6 times—some of my favorites, I've seen a dozen or more times. There's always something new to find upon multiple viewings. So I plan to do a series of Jimperfect comics based on movies like the one below.

However, I've shown the following cartoon to a number of people and it never fails—not one of them has ever seen the movie it's mimicing: Christopher Nolan's brilliant film Memento. So the joke of the cartoon goes over their head. Hopefully you've seen the film and will get the joke. If you know me, it's even funnier ... or maybe it isn't.
Click on the pic for a larger view.

I'm Jim. I'm Imperfect. I'm Jimperfect.

Welcome to my Jimperfect Blog. Here you'll find cartoons based on my "exploits." And hopefully the beginnings of an official Jimperfect Comic Strip.

Click each pic for a larger view

I used to write copy at a Direct Mail company with one too many bosses. There was a lot to know about the numerous component pieces and lingo of direct mail—lots of acronyms and abbreviations. The one-boss-too-many, who insisted that EVERYTHING be given to him in a blue folder, wasn't very understanding of my confusion—and that always made me more confused.

Needless to say, it wasn't the best job I ever had.

But there was one positive aspect to that job ... we had work at home Wednesdays.



At that Direct Mail company, there was often a lot of finger-pointing, name-blaming, and buck passing. Usually between two main guys—both named Mike. I was often in the middle of that—literally. The non-boss Mike had a catch-phrase that he would use during times of duress. He used it a LOT.
Mike Vs. Mike

Believe it or not, there was a 3rd Mike in that department of 20 people. But he was a good one.


I've always dreamt of leaving the office world to live the life of a writer. And in the strip below, Jimbo does exactly that, heading deep into the woods to write his Unibomber-like manuscript.



On Sabbatical, Jimbo meets his new neighbors who bring him a little house-warming gift.



Once when I was unemployed.... Okay, I've been unemployed several times. But once—namely the second time—when I was unemployed, I spent a lot of time sleeping. I couldn't help it. My wife Lyn went to work and I was home alone with our two cats, Henry and Gracie. And cats sleep a lot. A LOT. So ... when in Rome.



After a great deal of complaining from Lyn I finally got motivated and changed my daily unemployment routine...



My brother Chris has always been a hard worker. From as far back as I could remember, he worked and worked and worked. Shoveling driveways, raking leaves, and selling Jolly Ranchers. Back in the 6th grade, Chris would turn a 500% profit by purchasing bags of those colorful teeth-shattering candies and reselling them to sugar-starved students and —YES—teachers. This was also during the years of "Family Ties" and we lovingly referred to Chris as our own Alex P. Keaton.

Chris continued to over-compensate for my laziness well into adulthood—getting two or three part-time jobs a summer, graduating college with a double major in 4 years, and paying off each new car he bought within a year of leaving the showroom.

But after years of working in the adult world, Chris surprised everyone and decided to take a year off. He was burnt out. None of us could believe it when he actually went through with it. My tie-wearing, khaki-panted brother was going to stay home and just ... relax.

I imagine this is what his first day of "retiring" looked like.


At my grandmother's 80th birthday, alcohol brought out the philosopher in me. On the car ride home I tried to impart nuggets of gold to my cousin Scott. Telling him how he should listen to his younger brother in order to understand him and make it easier to settle their differences. Scott soon learned that I graduated from the school of Do As I Say And Not As I Do because I did not apply this philosophy to my relationship with MY younger brother, Mark.

Note: This and the following are two of the first Jimperfect/Jimbo cartoons I ever did.

The sharing of brotherly love came to an abrupt end when Mark departed. FYI: We were still on the road.